I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
