I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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