took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
