she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize