Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
