I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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