I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
