what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
