i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
