Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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