I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
the raccoons are back...
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