I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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