why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
