Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
