the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
