am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
