You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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