i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
