it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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