i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
