hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
