At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
