At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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