fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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