So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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