I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
