if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
