Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
