OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
why is half of my head shaved?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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