Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
