DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
