Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
