theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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