I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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