Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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