Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
