Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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