Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
