Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize