there's paper in my vomit.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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