not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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