there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
