It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
