Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
