Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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