Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
