The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
