dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
