since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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