I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
