Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
