it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i've created a new STD.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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