So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
