I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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