Pants 0. Shit 1.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
