We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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