Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
