New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
