So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Life without a bra equals bliss.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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